#rutgers

"I want..." She blushes again, then scowls and shrugs. "I wish I were like Symon."

"Huh? Like Symon?" Baffled.

"I.. shit, I'm not sure if I am allowed to say."

A blink. "Well...okay, now I'm curious." She pouts and casts a look towards Symon's room, not sure if he's there.

"I just.. I mean, it'd be easier if I didn't... I mean, I know, it's dumb, everybody knows I don't do that stuff."

A blink. "Wait, I'm really getting lost. I don't know exactly what you do or don't do, but that's because it's your business." A pause. "If you want to talk about it, I'm a safe pair of ears."

"And whatever, I don't need it." She huffs, and gets her own mug of coffee.

"Still lost here!" she announces, waving a hand in the air as if trying to be called on. "Don't need...what? Sex?"

The way Dagmar winces and screws her eyes shut is very likely confirmation.

"But...okay...I don't like thinking of 'need' in that context...but it's okay to think about wanting it, right?"

"Yeah, see, exactly. It's not a need."

"And I've had it. It wasn't that great."

Sylvi pauses before saying, "You know it's not all the same, right?"

She shrugs.

"Okay...listen...I am totally cool with you being who you want to be and the way you want to be that person...but it's kind of important that you're honest to yourself about it. And I think you're trying to convince yourself about something that's not quite true."

"I'm being realistic."

"About what?"

"You mean...thinking that it doesn't matter because you're not going to have the opportunity? Or that it couldn't work?"

"If I wanted to get laid, I could. Like, I could head down to the main drag and get somebody at the first bar."

"Yeah, you could. And you could also get laid by somebody who likes and cares about you."

She snorts.

"Wait, seriously? You don't see it?"

"I screw things up when I try for something like that."

"So? I've screwed things up pretty massively a time or two."

"And you done them just fine, plenty of times."

"If I keep my expectations realistic, I won't set myself up for... for everything, yeah?"

A blink. "How many relationships do you think I've had? Like...sexual ones?"

She shrugs.

She takes a breath. "Trust me. I haven't done things right 'plenty of times.' I've screwed up a lot." She shakes her head. "It doesn't matter. The point is...like I said before...when you decide to stay away from stuff, you deny yourself the chance for pleasure, and you deny others the chance for a relationship with a really excellent person....you."

"I'm not... denying anybody anything."

"It's just... protecting ahead of time?"

"Which denies others a chance to form a relationship with you."

"You do realize that Masey's been sending some pretty strong signals."

"Right?"

"Yeah, that she wants to get down, which as blurry as Samhain is, I am pretty sure we did."

"But she doesn't want a relationship."

"Well, maybe not a marriage, Dagmar, but a friendship? A good friendship?"

"We can be friends."

"You can have fun, too. She's definitely interested."

"Yeah."

"And maybe that's where I screw up?"

"Like... that's what I'm good for, maybe?"

"And if I hadn't been so skittish and weird and whatever with Adam and Nadeen.... I dunno, they still would have traded up, I guess..."

"Look...my Dad's had to talk me out of that mindset, too. I wish I had his touch. For me, it's because I keep hurting people," she admits, frowning.

"I don't think... it's not like you set out to hurt people."

A wry grin. "No. But it's happened, a few times. And it's scary. I don't want to be that person, you know?"

"Yeah. You want to be a hero."

"But...that's part of it. Part of living. I've gotta be as true to myself as I can be, and not hide from it."

"And that also means I can't punish myself for it."

"I'm not hiding. I chose to go out here for Samhain. And I know I wanted to have fun with Masey, and I did. Even with the mists, I remember that."