#debukefarmhold

"I know you did not intend to."

"I did not intend to. " He says

"But the fact we didn't intend to doesn't make the hurt any less real. We need to work on ways so it's less likely to happen again."

"...Aye."

"For one thing? I'm just going to give up on holiday plans or arrangements at this rate. I'm not doing well with them." Then he admits "I blame Paler"

"Beltaine was lovely...."

"And Carnival too. Why say you did not do well?"

"Well... it seems like getting to the holiday or event is TENSE TENSE TENSe... is it on, is it off? Will plans be disrupted by this or that? Will I read it wrong? Will I guess the wrong thing? Mayhbe... and this is just an idea... you tell me what we'll be doing? It just seems easier , simpler" A sigh "I know it's not very romantic"

Zara makes a face and looks away.

"Maybe I am simply not a good match for thee."

Earl gapes

"You make it sound like I am some capricious witch, one who makes you dance to unknowable whims. Why would anybody wish to be subject to that? You try to surprise me, and I make you suffer for it."

She rubs at her eyes, scowling. "I am the nag who fights with you over your furniture."

"You have oathed for me, been kidnapped and tortured, because of me... "

"That is not what i meant"

"And that wasn't for you..."

"But I refused to Oath, aye?"

"or more accurately because of you..."

"Zara.. please" A sigh "You gave me your name. You trusted me with that and you were right how much it showed"

She hugs her knees to her chest. "I was not merry enough. I did not wish to have one bedroom."

"Why stay you at all?"

"Because I love you" He says

"Now, how did my complaint about holidays turn into an entire destruction of your worth as a trueheart? " Not angrily, just.. baffled.

"Because... because it's always... it is a fault in me, aye? Mayhaps I love thee not enough. That I do not... " A gesture with her hands, grasping at something she cannot say.

"It's not always a fault in you ,and we both know that. That stupid beanbag? My fault"

"Strangling my self to be romantic?" he shakes his head "My fault"

"Remember when I got shot stealing?"

"I think the Earl DeBuke line of screwups for his own sake says plenty"

"I know not how to love thee more, but I do not think it is enough...."

"Zara, we're both young. And sometimes.. . we're going to stumble." he shrugs "you know, I'm not miserable when you're with me, it's when you're gone. If you were the curse you seem to think you are.. that would not be the case."

"I cannot be happy enough for thee. It hurts thee when I am unhappy, and I can't... I am too anxious, too skittish, too difficult."

"Wow. You make it sound like I'm saying 'you're prettier when you smile' when what I'm trying to say is 'how can I help?'. Zara... I love you, but your ascribing motivations to me that are not the case or... frankly, not that unusual to ANYONE. Do you know of many couples that where one is happy when the other is unhappy?"

He is not rude or snide

"No, I... no! I am saying.. it.. I am saying... " Frustrated. "I do not want to be thy tyrant."

That actually makes him smile "Oh zara... I would rather be caught in your wake than anyone else's. Selfish of me I know. You and I are talking of the lows, but there is no one who has brought me, COULD bring me, closer to the heavens than thee" His eyes get a dreamy quality "For every tense moment I have known a hundred delights."

"Nay... nay, I am not a river goddess, I am not..."

"Not the moon raven? not the hind? Oh you are all these things... but you're also Zara, the student who has bad days, and Zara the cranky when the sunlight hits your eyes trhough a curtain in the morning, and Zara, the offended by poor taste and Zara the kind of scary Mets fan when I think it's just a game. ANd I am Earl... thy hunter, thy poet, and the sometimes the guy who couldn't catch a clue if you threw it at me"

"I just... I cannot... "

"You don't have to be perfect. And I don't expect you to be. I DO Want to 'fix ' things too much. but sometimes I just have to learn to let it be. I'm learning. Isn't that part of what love is about?"

"I love you. But I... "

"But..."

He looks ready to say something ,then quiets instead.

"I am mired."

"And I'm the quick sand?"

"I know not how to move from where I am."

"I... I was upset, by the gossip and secrets. I was upset, when I caught on to the planning and it became not... not..." She frowns. "It became an issue that I did not trust you that I did not trust August, that I thought you would hurt me."

"And so then I was upset about... I was upset, that... that trying to say... not saying well enough, mayhaps, not.. trying to say I did not like being planned about and talked about but the planning and talking being denied..."

A frustrated look. "I cannot say it right."

A soft nod "I feel like an idiot for not taking the boggans into account. I tried to 'work' the sluagh angles, and that was a mistake, and an insulting one. I had , I thought, August down... we both know him , good man and all. But the boggans... and other kith all... I should not try to be Morority, I am no mastermind. And it brought on you some of the very things you hate. and when you tried to tell me how it made you feel... well.." he looks about in the dark "here we are."

"Then AUgust was hurt and mad and sad, and you were hurt and mad and sad, and everything was terrible..."