#rutgers

"You don't know how you really feel about it. Because you've decided some things are simply off-limits for you, so best not to even consider them."

"And again, I'm not saying you should feel one way or the other, but you've gotta figure out how you really feel."

She destroys a paper towel, twisting it in her hands.

"What we need to do is make sure she's not hurting him."

Sylvi observes the mutilation of an innocent paper product.

"Yeah. But you've gotta get your head clear, too."

A pause. "I think I have an idea."

"I mean, I have ideas. I could push and get a fire science certificate by end of summer. Don't need a degree. Then I'd be able to be home, take up what I need to after Chief goes."

A blink. "Um. You realize you're changing the topic, right?"

"What? No."

She raises both brows.

"But if I'm gonna be working and have responsibilities at the lodge, that's plenty. See?"

A pause. "I have things to say about that, but I don't want to get hit."

"I won't hit you."

"Then listen: you're avoiding this like a cat avoiding a pill. And I really think you need to figure out the facts of what's going on up there," indicating Dagmar's head. "And in there," she adds, pointing at her heart. "But you keep covering things up, even from yourself."

"So here's what I'm thinking: You trust Maisie, right?"

"Yeah. Maisie's good people."

"Right. She wouldn't cross any lines that she wasn't invited to cross. So...I'm thinking we ask her to play some music with the Gift, just to loosen inhibitions, and then you and I have this conversation again. Maybe you'd drop your walls enough to figure out what's what."

A downwards tug on her mouth, and her hand drifts up to it. Old habits, knuckle tapping her teeth.

"That's... I dunno."

"Just you and me. Maybe Flopsy, too. Maisie can wear headphones, so she won't listen. I'm betting she'd be cool with that."

"The Gift is for... fun, you know? Blowing off steam."

"She might not like using it for... whatever."

A bit of a grin. "It can be used for other stuff. I mean, it's a seriously powerful tool. I don't see why it can't be therapeutic." Then she tilts her head. "You're avoiding again. Finding reasons not to do it."

She slides her gaze away.

"You don't have to do it. But...I wish you would."

"I... I don't think it's..." Starting and stopping, lips tugging again and again into small frowns. "You shouldn't worry this much."

"I absolutely should. You both mean a ton to me, and...things aren't right. I want to figure out if we can make it better."

"Getting rid of her can't hurt, right?"

A deep breath. "The problem is...it can hurt, if we don't do it right. And if this stuff is sort of hanging over it and keeping things from being real...then it won't be right. It might go very wrong."

"But we know he's being misused now...so we need to do what we can to fix it."

A miserable nod.

"And I don't want it to feel like... like it's because I'm jealous."

"Well, I wouldn't blame you if you were, but no...I can take the lead on this. I'm pissed at her. And I know that we're all going to change over time, but this isn't a good change, and we need to fix it."

"And listen...once we get this figured out...if you both decide you want to Oath, don't delay. "

"I'm not jealous." She scowls.

"What she has... it's... she doesn't want Symon."

"She doesn't want his sarcasm, or his taxidermied rats, or his cleverness."

"No, she doesn't. But she's got some kind of charm on him, in that pendant, and it's making him think he wants her...and that would make me jealous, if I were you. Mind you, I'm not, but you know what I'm saying."

"She doesn't even want him to touch her, she doesn't like how he smells, or have time to listen to him."

"He deserves SO MUCH BETTER than that treatment."

"Exactly!"

"Y'know...." she points out slowly "...not to belabor a point, but you don't just tolerate those things with him. You appreciate them."

"I mean, yeah. It's Symon."

She nods. "And you miss those things when they're not around."

"The taxidery is kinda creepy, but some of them are actually really good."

A wistful look at the closed door. "Yeah."

A slight grin, noting her expression.

"He did a really funny one, with frogs..."

"Yeah?"