#goldfinchfreehold

"She just wants expensive shit from him."

A huff.

"I kept trying, to... to figure out... like, I have no right to be jealous, Symon and I aren't, weren't... right?"

A brow. "Dagmar."

"But he deserves someone that loves him back."

"You two are one of the most devoted pairs I've ever seen."

"But I don't love him. I keep trying, and I just... " A helpless gesture.

"No, I get it. You're devoted to him as a friend, and it's a really deep loyalty, but it's not love like that."

She nods.

"I don't know if I can do that."

Apologetically, "It would be easier if it were, but it's not."

"It would, yeah."

"Don't know if you can...?"

"Well, if I want to try that again. I'm not really meant for it, least this life isn't."

"And it kinda makes sense?"

"You mean, like...not meant for sex? Or not meant for, like, a committed relationship like that?"

A twist of her mouth. "I can be useful enough for sex."

"But that's probably why I'm not much good for, like, yeah, anything serious."

A sigh. "I'm sorry. That really sucks. I really wish that wasn't the way you felt about it."

"I mean, I know you've got good reasons. I just wish it weren't that way."

She shrugs. "It's what it is."

"I mean..." A pause.

"I have no right to feel like Symon's leaving me, too. Especially not after how awful I was with May."

"And we aren't, like, a couple. And since I'm not able to feel the right way, that's not fair for him, either."

"The situation with May was a bad mistake, but you fixed it," she says firmly.

"It's getting better, yeah."

A slow exhale. "Okay...I've got a question...kind of a sensitive one?" She waits for permission to go on.

"...okay?"

"So...you feel like you're not really comfortable with being physical or romantic or whatever...but I know you have been. And...I know you had a good time with Maisie when there was Gift of Pan going on, right?"

Her cheeks flush, and she nods.

"So...I totally respect that you don't see yourself with Symon that way...but have you thought that it might be inhibitions getting in the way? Like...maybe you do feel that way, or would feel that way if you weren't getting in your way?"

"It's not that I'm not attracted to people. And the Gift... the Gift makes it easier. And Maisy... well, there's no expectations, there's no... I know it doesn't mean anything, so I know better than to expect anything?"

She quickly follows with, "I totally respect if you're pretty sure that's not it."

A wry grin at the comment about Maisy. "Yeah, I get that. And the Gift makes it way easier."

She rubs her face. "I could do it. I practically fell over myself with Adam, saying I would do it, if that's what he wanted. But I thought Symon didn't want that from me? I don't know. I don't have a right to be upset about him finding someone better. And there's always someone better, who can... give something I can't? Isn't all messed up? Something."

"Oh, crap, Dagmar, I'm not saying if you could force yourself to have sex with somebody. Hell, I think if you tried to force something like that, Symon would be mortified."

"If Symon asked, I would. He's my best friend, I don't want to lose him."

She leans back and looks at the ceiling for a moment before saying, "I think...I hope...that when Symon finds somebody who's right for him, and you find somebody who's right for you, you'll both appreciate the other person because they'll be good for them."

"And this girl is NOT good for him."

A frown. "Please don't ever do that. Please don't ever have sex as a bargaining chip."

"I was trying so hard to be happy for him, and I'm still worried this might be my messed up jealousy making me read it wrong..."

"Yeah, and I think it's good that you're asking that, but I agree with you...she's not good for him." A pause. "I wonder what AnneMarie thinks of her."

"It's not like that? I just... I can do it, I can. Maybe me kicking up such a fuss about it is the real problem."

"I dunno. Good question. Boggans are good at reading people."

"Well, I mean, yeah you 'can do it' but it shouldn't be like forcing yourself to eat lima beans or something."

"I can check with her, if you want? I mean, sometimes she's got some rose-colored glasses on and sees things the way she wants them to be."

"He wouldn't hurt me. And if I'd put out for Adam, maybe he wouldn't have found other places to get it. Or Nadeen."

A skeptical look. "Would keeping Adam have been all that great a prize, considering?"

She shrugs.

"Not like I'm a prize, is it?"