#rutgers

A frustrated noise.

"Okay, fine. Doing the same thing you've been doing is sure to work."

"I don't... I don't want to... physically, okay? I don't want to do that with him. Happy?"

"Okay! And maybe he doesn't want that, either. But you've gotta be honest with him, Dagmar. He's more than a best friend."

She tangles a fist in her braids. "Not anymore. I'm just his roommate now. We've barely spoken in months."

"And yet you still remember everything he told you about how he got that frog so puffy."

"And I can't, like, go to him and be, like, I want to be your girlfriend, because I... i-i-i-... look what happened, the other times?"

A pause. "If it weren't for the other times...would you tell him?"

"And it's not like I can't do it. Maisy's easy, that way. And there's this friend of Lupe's, who, god, I'm gonna go to hell for wanting that way..."

A wry grin.

"So how do you think he'd take it if I said, oh, sure, I can get hot and bothered about these other people, but not you?"

Sylvi takes a breath and repeats: "If it weren't for the other times...would you tell him?"

"Oh, Symon, I just want to hold hands forever - fuck, am I five? There is no way that that doesn't hurt him. That's not what a girlfriend is."

"You're still not answering the question."

"I just want what we had."

A long pause.

"How about you let Symon decide what hurts him, rather than deciding for him?"

"Because I did? When I tried, and screwed it all up?"

"And then, you know, he disappeared and now he has Her."

She frowns. "That's one hell of a powerful weapon you're wielding."

"Huh?"

"All that defeatism. It's getting in my head."

Jaw jut.

"Look...maybe I'm wrong...but I'm reasonably certain that what you told him is only a fraction of what you actually feel about him. But you keep getting in your own way of seeing it."

"What does it matter now? Maybe I could have... I dunno... fixed it, somehow. Then." Her volume drops, regretful. "...We were supposed to get oathed."

"I... doesn't that... didn't that show how much he meant?"

"It matters. Because if you couldn't 'fix it' before, it's going to require even more to fix it now."

"And yeah, it shows a lot. But it doesn't show it all."

"Oaths are forever. For more than a lifetime." Earnest vehemence. "We'd be able to find each other, again and again."

"Like Chief did. Like...." She trails off and frowns.

Sylvi realizes where her thoughts are going. "Right. Okay...you have more experience with that than I do. And yeah, that would be something. Did you tell him that you don't just want to oath for this life?"

A blink. "Wait."

Her eyes widen.

Dagmar swallows and shakes her head.

"Dagmar...are you sure you two aren't already oathed?"

"I'd feel it, wouldn't I?"

"I couldn't disobey Nadeen. I could feel it, when I fought against her."

"Right, but...that was a noble/vassal sort of thing."

"I don't think the oath you would have with Symon would be about obeying."

"Yeah. I was her protector."

"And she was your liege."

"But you and Symon...you're equals."

Another swallow, and her hands move - trying to find somewhere to go, something to do. "Yeah."

"Yeah. We... we talked... there's this Oath, it's.. you ever hear of Clasped Hands?"

"Yeah." A grin. "That's a good one."

"But not... not Truehearts. It isn't Truehearts."

A pause. "Do you wish it were?"

"I... it doesn't feel right. With Brekke, with my parents, I was so sure."

"Okay, that's fair. Truehearts doesn't feel right with Symon."

She nods, looking miserable.