#rutgers

"Just... in class, there's like a hundred people..."

"Oh, man, I know, right?"

"How can you even try talking to anyone in that?"

"Exactly!" She pauses for a moment. "Maybe it's different if you live in the dorms..."

"Maybe?"

"I mean, like, you have to share bathrooms and stuff, and there's hall activities."

"Maybe..."

She nods. "So...like...we've got to get a battle plan for how to do this. How to make it be what we want it to be."

"Bet you could join a sorority."

"Do makeup and everything."

"I miss May and Lupe."

"I tried to talk about the makeup stuff with some people. Maybe I just chose the wrong ones."

"Hey, maybe we should drive up this weekend? Get in a quick visit, get some Mom food, and come back? Like...a breather? We'll be better when we get back after, right?"

"Maybe? You can talk to me about it."

"I know we.. I know, with Goldfinch and Darkgate and stuff, I've not been... keeping up..."

A grin at the offer. "You in the mood for a makeover video, maybe?"

"If you wanted!"

She bites her lip at the mention of Darkgate and looks away. "Yeah."

"What?"

"Well, the whole thing with Colton." She shrugs.

"What... being here? You can still see him, I'm sure he'd come visit. I won't say anything if he stays over."

Sylvi looks at her, wide-eyed. "Holy crap. I...I've been so overwhelmed. I didn't tell you...."

"We...um...we're not together anymore."

"What? He broke up with you?"

"N-no." She gives a pained grin. "I...I did."

Brow furrow.

"Why?"

"It's kind of hard to explain." She plucks at the carpet a bit. "It sounds stupid when I try to put it in words. But...we've been going out for a while, and saying 'I love you' to each other for a while, and I'm not even sure when that started, the saying 'I love you' part, and...and I'm not sure if that's what I really feel, or if it just sort of started being something we said because, y'know, boyfriend-girlfriend, right? And...that's not fair to either of us."

"That it's... expected?"

"Kind of." A wince. "He was pretty pissed. I don't blame him."

"Do you love him?"

A helpless shrug. "I don't know, Dagmar. I really, really don't know. And..." she pauses.

"Okay, so...what started this...he said something that made me wonder what he was thinking about the future, and I asked because it was making me kind of anxious, and he said he's seeing us as still together, no matter what, but...I mean...I'm not sure when I stepped into that committment, you know?"

She bites on a hangnail, considering, and nods. "Sounds scary."

She nods. "Yeah. But the breaking up is scary, too."

"Yeah. Breaking up sucks."

"Especially when they find someone else."

"Well. Yeah. But..."

"But?"

A pause.

"What if that's just how I'm built? What if I just...What if I can't be trusted to stay in a relationship? If I'm just...fickle?" A pained look.

"That doesn't seem it. That's not who you are."

"Getting cold feet, or not wanting to commit if you aren't sure... not exactly playing satyr."

"You want like your parents, right?"

"How is it not who I am, Dagmar?" she says quietly. "I've been giving up on one thing after another since...geez...since as long as I can remember."

A smirk. "Yeah. I don't think love stories like my folks can be custom ordered."

Brow.

She starts counting things off on her fingers: "I gave up on being emissary to take the position at DarkGate. Then I get a whole theater thing started, and I figure I'm going to do theater for my career, but I'm not doing that, am I. And then I drop the theater thing and DarkGate so I can come back home because I'm not happy up there. See a pattern?"

"You've done so many awesome things."

"You've been lots of places, and you're good at everything you try, and you are good with people, and that's why everyone wants you."