#earthrunes

((BRB))

((back))

"Then I don't understand the regret. I mean, yes, her subsequent treatment of you still makes me want to do creatively horrible things to her...but I don't think you should regret that you loved her when you did."

"Maybe I don't regret it." She leads her horse towards the stall. "It's... complicated. But how it ended did... sour the memories. Some things, in retrospect, seem different. Less sincere. I probably wouldn't have chrysalized, I know. It was her kiss that... that gave me my wings. And I was so drunk with her, with love, that I wanted to sing it from the rooftops. That I refused to hide from my parents. That I was going to go with her, and be her shieldmate, and... and it didn't quite work out."

"It didn't quite work out the way you expected," Coradel edits. "It still worked out...just differently."

"Yes. It worked out." A flash of a frown as she latches the stall.

She catches the frown, but doesn't comment on it, waiting.

She looks back at Cora. "Be kind to him."

"Please."

That catches her by surprise, and she frowns, looking off for a long moment. "Deryn...I am being as kind as I can. And I will continue to be so. But...I don't know if I can give him what he most craves."

"You don't love him?"

"Of course I love him! But I can't say that to him because, to him, it means something different."

"Because he wants commitment."

"I can commit as well. That's not something I fear. I want to be part of his life, and he a part of mine. It's not the commitment. It's the notion that commitment includes exclusivity. You were trained Fiona...you know that the two are not the same."

She nods. "And Liam... are not that way. Well. Sometimes I think I might have a satyr's heart. Or maybe... after.. being serious about anyone... " She frowns. "I'm not sure."

"But - but I think he might be afraid that you don't love him. That you only want him for the sensuality, not for anything more."

((hang on))

A sigh. "I know. I see it in his eyes. But then there's moments where I see that he understands, that he knows how much he means to me...but he can't quite bring himself to believe it." She looks seriously at Deryn. "Even so...I cannot say something that will mislead him, just to appease his fears."

"But you do love him. And there's no way out but through - and that means being honest. Even if that leads to hard work and hard conversations..."

"Deryn...I have been honest with him. I've told him that his understanding of love and mine are not the same, that even if they were I couldn't offer any sort of commitment before my saining...and that there's no way for me to know for certain what I want yet.

"

She mutters, "We have been having the hard conversations."

"And everything he believes says that to just... enjoy someone, that that's a sin. That it must be one and only forever."

A wry look. "The Dreaming can be sadistic."

"I mean, sometimes I still feel... sick, about what I am, about how much I want..." She places a hand on her stomach. "It's easier when I'm unseelie. Easier to not care. I can guess - he still believes, it must tear him up. I mean, feeling guilty about loving?"

"It's stupid. Irrational. Sadistic, yes."

She nods...then considers her. "Deryn, can I ask...your fosterage...what were your final trials like? I mean, before you were sained and things changed."

"Challenging. But - fun, I had fun. Less complicated than things after - a question of being fearless, of pure physical challenge. I was more of a show-off, before. I enjoyed getting to push my limits."

"I'd sure as hell rather face twenty swordsmen than most of last year."

A surprised look...then a grin. "You still like to push your limits. You were doing it, but in an unhealthy direction when we first met in this land."

"I was in a pretty bad place. I wanted... I wanted something I could be in control, when it felt like everything as falling apart."

She laughs. "And once I get a margin of security, I adopt a teenager. Okay, fine. I push limits."

"You also didn't want help. You wanted to do it yourself, to prove you could."

"Ha! Yes. Hmm...does that make your squire my grandson?"

A rueful sigh. "I couldn't do it by myself."

"You found a limit you couldn't push. That's a discovery. You had to travel pretty far to find it."

"Maybe? I'm trying to... I don't know... I've felt better, since my quest. I'd still like to do better at pulling my weight."

"And.. oof. I think Colton is more a... kid brother? I'm not ready to be anyone's mom - I don't have my life in order!"

She smiles. "That's fine. I'm not ready to think of myself as a grandmother, yet."

"Well, don't. Family, right? Besides, I'm older than you. BOTH of you."

"Depends on how you look at it...but okay." A stretch...and a sigh.

"I don't know how ready I am for new parents. But... but I'm really glad to have you and August in my life."

"Good. Friends first, right?"

"Yes." She smiles. "I'm glad to have you as my friend, too."

"Good. Then...let's head off and find a post-riding treat. We should probably check in on your charge, as well, make sure he's doing well."

"Or check if the kitchen survived.... I swear, he's like a furnace..."

"Oh we all have our appetites." She realizes her own double-entendre a fraction later, and sighs.

She snickers. "Fiona."

((Scene?))

((works!))